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Everybody's crazy STRIKES BACK -- pt. 1

Why yes, it is that time again. Time to grab your tea and cookies -- and a few extra belts, if you have any lying around -- because another magical mystery tour of the highs and lows of SG-1 fashion is departing....right now! Today's journey is brought to you by the letters W, T, and F, and by viewers like you -- specific viewers, in fact, who I am not naming in case they wish their part in bringing to light the travesties of wardrobe contained within to remain secret, but they know who they are. I blame you for inflicting these outfits on an innocent population. Yes, you. Don't make that face at me, young lady.

I warn you now, some of the images in the series we begin today may disturb you. Abandon hope of fitting, all ye who enter here, as we once again go back, back, waaaaaay back. (Image heavy! Srsly!)

Once upon a time there was a man named Jack. Jack, it was generally agreed, was a badass. So much of a badass, in fact, that they made a whole show up for him to chronicle his adventures. You would think that the wise responsible for bringing such a badass to the world would act to make Jack look as cool as possible at all times, so as to maximize his badassery potential.



Children of the Gods
But alas, no. See here, Jack in his debut. Badass? Kind of. None can deny the misleading potential of sleek, shiny black leather. But look closer, my friends. Do you notice that even slightly further away, Jack's coat is significantly larger than the notoriously baggy and unflattering on-base active wear modeled by Jack's good friend Kowalski? Does this worry you at all? It should. It is an omen of things to come.

If you regret that the mass of coat obscures a decent look at Jack's choice of legwear, don't. We'll be seeing those again.



Children of the Gods
In fact, we'll be seeing them immediately! Despite strong photographic evidence to the contrary, Jack's legs do not simply end, melding seamlessly into his back. No, the has a butt, although in these, Jack's only pair of pants, it's location is anyone's guess. You'll just have to trust me: it exists.



Cold Lazarus
Why, look, the pants are back again!

Ah, misty watercolored memories. Sara looks back fondly on the days when Jack used to smuggle her into movies inside that very jacket, so they could save the extra $7.50. Somewhat emotionally attached, she tried to argue during the divorce proceedings that 50% of the coat should rightfully belong to her. Sad, that she was denied. Maybe if she had been able to claim her share, what was left would fit him.



Fire and Water
Look! Look! Jeans! A t-shirt! And it all fits! Jack seems uncomfortable, but frankly, if this is what happens afterwards, I think Daniel should be considerate and burn to death in a horrible inferno more often.



Fire and Water
Or...not. Jack's grief is fleeting, but The Pants endure. You'll notice they're worse from the back: either Jack's butt is roughly as long as his torso, or something at the Gap has gone horribly, horribly awry. The shirt seems comparatively unoffensive, until you realize that it is either a long sleeved shirt so short that the cuffs do not even approach the general vicinity of his wrists, or a short sleeved shirt so long that the over-sized pants might possibly be explained as necessary to contain the two feet of extra material that he'd otherwise have to twist up and tie around his waist with a scrunchy. I would guess the latter, myself.

Sam, on the other hand, looks adorable. In fact, forget all about Jack. Look at Sam.



Singularity
In uniform, my friends, or out? Jack can't seem to decide and, frankly, neither can I. Unless he had to smuggle that dog out of the SGC and the green-on-duller-green ensemble was part of his cunning disguise, I would advise Jack that the more generally accepted accessory for achieving the paramilitary look is actually a pair of aviator shades, and not a puppy.

The coat or the puppy, Jack. Choose wisely.



Learning Curve
Jack looks on in puzzlement. "Do I really look twice as wide wearing this coat as I do wearing, oh, anything else?"

Yes. Yes you do.



Forever in a Day
What? The same jacket appearing, now, to actually be very flattering? And apparently not extending a full foot and a half below the waist line, as seems to be the traditional style? What's going on? Well, dear readers, there is good news and bad. The bad is that this considerably improved bomber jacket is merely the projection of a severely ribbon-addled mind, and as the last photo indicates, has little relation to the way this same jacket fits in reality. The good -- apparently, Daniel is one of us.



The Devil You Know

Gather 'round, everybody, because it's time to play Guess What Jack Is Keeping In His Sleeve. Is it a second elbow for added opposability? Maybe some extra baseballs, in case they lose one? If you've been wondering why Jack's clothes are always so baggy, now you know: storage.

As an aside, note that even in his own drug induced nightmares, Jack refuses to give up on The Pants.



Shades of Grey

Oh, look! A butt! I told you. If Jack would only keep his hands thrust forward in his pockets all the time, things would be so much better! The Pants would still be about three sizes too large, mind, but everyone would be much too distracted to care.



Nemesis

Rule number one
You shall own no pants but The Pants; You shall wear no other pants but The Pants, excepting brief cameo roles in which the display of lesser pants indicates clear mental or emotional disturbance, or when required by code of dress. (In such situations you are expected to long greatly for The Pants and return to Them at the earliest opportunity.)

Rule number two
You shall not attempt to lessen The Pants by pairing Them with items less bountiful in fabric or storage capacity.

Rule number three
You shall not attempt to bind The Pants. You may wear a belt only if it is decorative in fashion, and is loose enough that it does not prevent The Pants from sagging around your hips and crotch as They will.

Rule number four
You shall not be led astray by those who would make such fanciful claims as, "Sir, the Asgard don't wear pants at all, you don't need to bring extra." They are falsifiers who wish to take The Pants for themselves. Do not allow this.



Small Victories
Sam has had it. She kept her peace about the rotation of unflatteringly large coats; the shirts that left her unable to determine the intended style, let alone the size; The Pants, thus far trotted out for just about any on-world activity necessitating civs in the last three years. But yet another massive plaid-inset brown-collared navy coat, paired with a black shirt, and The Pants? No. No more, she cries. She is taking him shopping. She is taking him shopping now, and if he has any complaints about it, he can talk to Teal'c.

Jack meekly submits. No one ever expects the Fashion Inquisition.

Continue on to part two, featuring even more ginormous action, or part three, where Jack gets what's coming to him (if by "what's coming to him," you mean "even baggier clothes!"), or part four, home of Colorado's finest collection of navy shirts.  (And by "finest" I do mean "even baggier clothes!")

Screencaps from Dedicated to Stargate, the one-stop shop for all your ginormous-coat needs.

Comments

( 44 comments — Leave a comment )
thady
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
OMG! This is hilarious! *lol*
abyssinia4077
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:19 pm (UTC)
You win the internets again!

JAck and his pants and general way too big clothing. *shudders* Though the bomber jacket is an improvement over the giant leather jacket.

(that navy jacket in the last picture - didn't Daniel wear that once?)

I'll go back to cracking up over Jack's spare elbow now.
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:10 am (UTC)
Unfortunately, there are actually two gigantic navy blue jackets running around the SGC. No justice in the universe. Sigh. ;)
abyssinia4077
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:37 am (UTC)
Wow. That's...impressive.

They defeated the Goa'uld, defeated the Replicators and maybe have taken out the Ori but now they face the most vicious villian of all:
THE GIANT NAVY BLUE JACKET OF DOOM!

It's a jacket! It's an umbrella! It's a hang-glider! It's a tent! It's a "hide the team orgy from prying eyes" device!
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:48 am (UTC)
BWAHAHA!

"SG-1 faces their most dangerous mission ever when two of their own are compromised from within. Can Sam and Teal'c get through to them before it's too late? Will Jack and Daniel's torso's ever be the same again?!"
beanpot
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:22 pm (UTC)
Oh gawd I've hated those pants. Who knew men could suffer the fate of the "mom jean" as well?

Hysterical.
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:50 am (UTC)
HEE! Mom jeans...Oh, Jack.
rydra_wong
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:23 pm (UTC)
*weeps with laughter*
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:49 am (UTC)
*weeps from The Pants* ;)
green_grrl
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
GLEE!!!!!!!!!!! The big stick is taken to jack's wardrobe with abandon! *smite smite smite*

The good -- apparently, Daniel is one of us.

If only the show were more often about Daniel's my Daniel's fantasy life. *sigh*

If Jack would only keep his hands thrust forward in his pockets all the time, things would be so much better!

Mmmmmmm... pocket hockey.... (See previous comment.)

(See in icon? RDA wears tank tops in rehearsal, then covers up with gigantical BDU jacket in shooting. SO UNFAIR! WHY DID WE NOT GET TANK TOP ONSCREEN?!?! *wails*)
cyren_2132
Jun. 7th, 2007 10:36 pm (UTC)
Because Jack's arms look like tiny toothpicks next to Teal'c and even Daniel during the muscle years?

And before the muscle years, if you check out these pictures from season 5, you'll see that while Daniel isn't exactly busting out of his sleeves like Teal'c, Jack's sleeves are left flapping in the breeze.

Or, Daniel, having realized that the Blue Coat of Subterfuge was entirely too much, took things too far in the other direction. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing.
green_grrl
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:57 am (UTC)
Oh, but I prefer a man with a rangy build, and was quite disappointed when MS/Daniel went for the powerlifter look.
cyren_2132
Jun. 8th, 2007 02:18 am (UTC)
was quite disappointed when MS/Daniel went for the powerlifter look.

Oh, I'm not a fan of the muscle years by any stretch of the imagination. :)
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:13 am (UTC)
WHY DID WE NOT GET TANK TOP ONSCREEN?!?!

Oh, but we dooooo. O:)
green_grrl
Jun. 8th, 2007 01:03 am (UTC)
Threads? Uh uh. He's always a step too dressed. (Well, except Brief Candle. God bless s1!) See, Jack kept covered up when his team was busy running around the SGC doing their version of Baywatch in Colorado Springs. And in Threads, he should have been nekkid, or at least halfway so, so that tank top doesn't count. ;-)
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 01:06 am (UTC)
Nope, Window of Opportunity and Desperate Measures both have full on arm action.

You are abso-freakin-lutely right that he should have been naked in Threads, though. That was a crime.
green_grrl
Jun. 8th, 2007 01:45 am (UTC)
Oh, Desperate Measures! I will have to look again. WoO, you can see a whole lot of arm, and it's yummy, but it's a weird cap-sleeve kind of shirt, not a true tank. He sometimes shows a similar amount of arm-age when he rolls up his T sleeves.
advection
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
Again you are so made of win. :-) :-)

Sara looks back fondly on the days when Jack used to smuggle her into movies inside that very jacket -- !!!!!!!!!!

The coat or the puppy, Jack. Choose wisely. -- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it a second elbow for added opposability? -- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::loves::
sg_fignewton
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
Sam, on the other hand, looks adorable. In fact, forget all about Jack. Look at Sam.

Hee!!!! I love Sam. :)

I don't have the same, hm, attachment to Jack as I do to Daniel. OTOH, Jack's inability to ever tuck in his shirt is surely a sad thing.

What about dress blues?

And, yes! Daniel and his Existential Sweater (tm) have impeccable taste, which just goes to show that the green shirt from The Waffle House at the End of the Universe was definitely Oma's idea. (Oma's only understanding of true Daniel fashion is au naturel anyway.)
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:25 am (UTC)
I can't do the dress blues in the fashion posts proper since they're a uniform and Jack doesn't get to pick them. Thank goodness...gigantic dress blues? Probably not so attractive.

I'm willing to kind of excuse Oma for that shirt, seeing as she's been more or less out of touch with contemporary style for a few thousand years. On the other hand, she's an incredibly powerful and wise being of pure energy...she can't pick up GQ?
cyren_2132
Jun. 8th, 2007 02:20 am (UTC)
Snerk. These posts and the comments within always make my day.
surreallis
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

"No one ever expects the Fashion Inquisition!"
secondalto
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)
*loveslovesloves*

I just hate that RDA was dressed so badly for such a good looking man. And that the wardrobe department decided to hide his gorgeous arms!

I look forward to more!
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:53 am (UTC)
Worst part? I suspect from some of the recurring hits and some of the clothes that show up later that Jack is dressed primarily out of RDA's wardrobe. Tsk, tsk, Mr. Anderson.
starglyph
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
I wasn’t making a face at you! I was, um ... Okay, I was.

Except? innocent population? I don’t think so.

The good -- apparently, Daniel is one of us.

Since Jack’s fashion sense improves when Daniel is fantasizing, I have to totally agree with this. :)

Oh, look! A butt!

Saved by the butt shot! \o/

If I didn’t already, I'd totally love you for doing this. Your awesomeness is a wonderful and shiny, shiny thing. &hearts
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:28 am (UTC)
Saved by the butt shot! \o/

*cackle!*
maevebran
Jun. 7th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
Loved this but I made the mistake of tryingto eat while reading this and nearly choked. Pray continue.
erin_anderson
Jun. 7th, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
OMG!! Rolling around clutching my sides laughing. Shame on you for posting it when I have to read it in the computer lab at my school and try not to disturb any of the hard working college students around me with my insane giggling. My face hurts from keeping the laughter in. *makes note to read when at home so I can guffaw....loudly...and scare my cats....and the neighbors too* LOVE!!!
fiareynne
Jun. 7th, 2007 09:28 pm (UTC)
Oh, dear. Jack, how we adore you. Alas that the first thing we'd do once we got your pants off is burn them so you can't wear them ever again.
_minxy_
Jun. 7th, 2007 09:32 pm (UTC)
EVERYBODY'S CRAAAAAAZZZZZZYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know, given that I remember the original crazy posts, I think Jack should be alarmed that even in these early seasons, DANIEL HAS BETTER FASHION SENSE ALREADY. He's already into Teh Sweater, after all, and imagining Jack in a smaller jacket. Yes.
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:36 am (UTC)
XD

Seriously, Daniel was better dressed years before Jack was. And Jack's a lot more consistent with his awful clothes, too. Who knew?
pepper_field
Jun. 7th, 2007 10:16 pm (UTC)
Despite strong photographic evidence to the contrary, Jack's legs do not simply end, melding seamlessly into his back.

Hahahaha! *loves* Because, YES. The Pants, Jack... For the love of god, whyyyyyyyyyyy?!?

I'm disturbed by the fact that Jack can't seem to locate his waist. It must be under there somewhere, Jack! Wear less clothes and we might see it! *g*

I'm so thrilled you're doing this.
blue_meridian
Jun. 7th, 2007 10:26 pm (UTC)
'Bout damn time someone else pointed it out. Sam looks a heck of a lot better dressed most of the time and achieving that in standard issue? a) No mean feat and b) a sad, sad commentary on the dress of those around her.

I think they're just saving time and buying all one size for both Jack and Teal'c.
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:56 am (UTC)
I think they're just saving time and buying all one size for both Jack and Teal'c.

Oooh, a workable theory...although on the other hand, I don't think you could pay Teal'c to wear some of the crap Jack walks around in.
blue_meridian
Jun. 8th, 2007 01:11 am (UTC)
*Snort* So true.
(Deleted comment)
hsapiens
Jun. 7th, 2007 11:52 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! *wipes tears from eyes*

How had I never noticed that the pants I hate so much are the same damned pair in episode after episode after episode? Gods, it's as if he and MS were having a contest to see who could wear the most extra fabric at one time.

I remember most vividly the scene in Fifth Race where Jack has gone through the wormhole to the Asgard's home world (Othalla?) and the camera gives us a gorgeous shot of Jack sprawled on the ground (uh...yeah, THAT thought does far too much for my hormones) and it has a lovely view of Jack's ass. Or, it would. If only RDA were wearing pants that fit. I nearly cried for knowing how we were being so cruelly denied.

Brilliant, m'dear. I can hardly wait for the next installment. :)
niamaea
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:45 am (UTC)
Gods, it's as if he and MS were having a contest to see who could wear the most extra fabric at one time.

Scarily plausible.

I owe you, by the way, for unknowingly providing me with the most fantastic icon ever for these!

(P.S. -- ass shot in Fragile Balance.)
(Deleted comment)
jenlev
Jun. 9th, 2007 05:35 pm (UTC)
bwahaha! you really are brilliant. and i can't stop laughing.
(Anonymous)
Jun. 9th, 2007 11:37 pm (UTC)
jack's fashions
"If you've been wondering why Jack's clothes are always so baggy, now you know: storage."
LMAO!
blame jack's fashion mistakes on RDA. i hear he wanted the baggy shirts & stuff to hide his *ahem* "mid-life spread" i.e. beer belly & wider hips
BTW thanks for doing this. i've been waiting for this since the daniel fashion essay
shiawmeimei
Jun. 10th, 2007 11:42 am (UTC)
ROTFLMAO! Too funny! I love it!
(Anonymous)
Jun. 22nd, 2007 06:39 am (UTC)
*laughs and laughs and laughs* Aloud. Thank you. I'm newish to Stargate, and my mind has just been blown by how terribly the team is dressed. Like...I really didn't expect to be quite so judgmental, but omgwtf, it's baaaad. I thought, maybe they're doing it on purpose? I can sorta understand why they'd actively choose to dress Daniel terribly, but Jack? No, it must be a terrible, terrible mistake.
rdamel
May. 17th, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)
I love this and just found it again so that I could link it to a friend.

I was amused at the "no butt" part, as I've recently read something that RDA said that he had said to his doctor after back surgery and had been looking at his back in a mirror, and said something like "wait, Doc, what happened to my butt?"--as if it'd been somehow shaved off during the back surgery. I know, I read that at some of the con posts from when he went to Gatecon last summer. Very funny.

Thanks for doing this.
I''m off to reread part 2!
Melissa M.
( 44 comments — Leave a comment )